Overexplaining: Our Need to Feel Understood
Do you ever feel like the world doesn’t quite understand you and so you feel compelled to overexplain yourself even more?
Is it almost like if you just had a few more moments of explanation, then everyone would finally understand your perspective?
You are not alone!
For many neurodivergent individuals, this feeling of being misunderstood gives rise to a need for overexplaining.
Our neurodivergent brains work a little differently than others. So when you try to explain your thoughts to someone it can be harder for them to understand.
Often, they might disagree with us or think we’re coming off too strong. Oddly, this leads us to try even harder.
In this post, I’m going to explore why neurodivergent overexplaining happens – and how we can better connect with our peers and enable our voices to be heard.
Understanding Overexplaining – What it is and Why We Do It
Overexplaining is the act of providing more information or detail than is necessary in a given situation. It often involves giving more context, examples, or reasons than the listener requires or asking for.
Some of the more common reasons someone feels the need to overexplain frequently:
Common for Neurodivergents
Overexplaining seems to be more prevalent among those of us with a neurodivergent mind because we are so often misunderstood.
This can lead to a desperate need to overexplain in order to ensure that the listener grasps the intended message.
Unfortunately, even with excessive explanation, there is still a risk of misinterpretation and conflict.
While overexplaining can be a coping mechanism, it can also be exhausting and may not always lead to successful communication.
If you are unsure whether you overexplain, look for signs like frequently apologizing and struggling to say “no”. (Remember, “no” is a complete sentence. )
Neurodivergent Experiences with Overexplaining to others
Being neurodivergent, I often struggle with the experience of overexplaining myself to others.
I’ve spent some time conversating with others in the neurodivergent community, and specifically asked them about their experiences with overexplaining.
Their responses were relatable, and eye opening for anyone who isn’t often on the giving end of the explanation.
I’ve compiled some of them here:
What our experiences of overexplaining feel like from our perspective:
The worst is when you explain something as best as you can, but because you used too many details, the person you’re trying to explain that thing to glosses over the most important details of what you’re saying and gets a completely different message out of it.
In my case, my urge to over-explain has resulted in being accused of mansplaining. I was shocked, they wouldn’t accept that I literally do this level of over-explaining to everyone.
In general, I’m prone to overexplaining as a way to cushion something I worry would otherwise come across as harsh, when in fact, a simple “no” would suffice.
The neurodivergent urge to over explain simple concepts to provide more context and clarification, while the neurotypical person gets annoyed with you for giving an irrelevant answer.
I have to give out every single detail I notice or I will die
It’s like we are constantly trying to justify our perspective and way of being
I feel like I am always having to struggle for understanding and compassion from others.
I’m always confusing myself trying to find the right way to express my thoughts and feelings that is socially appropriate
The literal copy and pasting of how context is playing out in my brain seems the most sincere way to share knowledge, but it seems to annoy others.
People often dismiss my experiences because I overexplain my thoughts.
Sometimes it feels like I am speaking an entirely different language. I think I am offering so much clarity, and still they don’t understand
I feel compelled to give as much detail and context as possible. This is an effort to hopefully reduce the risk of misinterpretation and conflict.
As you can see, the struggle is real. It hurts. Most of the time overexplaining isn’t something we want to do. We don’t enjoy it anymore than the overwhelmed listeners do.
But there’s very real reasons why we feel compelled to over clarify our thoughts.
How to Effectively Communicate Without Overdoing It
Overexplaining can, and often does, lead to confusion and frustration. For both the person doing the explaining, and the one listening.
I was thinking about what we can do to help ourselves alleviate this issue. When I discussed this with a group of my like minded friends, one of them shared this story.
I thought it was a fantastic way to see things differently.
I remember when I was young, still really struggling with feeling hurt and confused that people would avoid me instead of talking even knowing that I was knowledgeable in the issue they had been discussing previously, my dad explained that it wasn’t that they didn’t trust me or even that they necessarily didn’t like me; to use his words “When all someone asks is ‘what time is it’ you have a tendency to build them an entire clock, which can be intimidating and time-consuming”. He said it in a very kind way, and to this day (at nearly 43 yrs old) I still in my head use that as a tool when I need or want to socialize. “Don’t need to build them a clock, just tell them what time it is.
It sounds so simple!
While it really does make a lot of sense, it’s harder than it seems when you first put it to practice. (I know, I’ve been trying )
However, it is a good starting point. It is a simple, easy to remember point of reference for when you feel your explanation getting out of control.
With some time, and practice, I feel like it can really help me reel things in more often than I do now.
Tone of Voice
Another of the biggest struggles in communication for a neurodivergent mind is tone of voice.
Often when we end up on one of our explanatory tirades, we come off as condescending. Which tends to put the listener in a defensive mode, instead of an understanding one.
Finding the right tone of voice can be challenging, but unfortunately it is important to communicate effectively.
So let’s discuss some of the different tones we can take to communicate.
- Passionate tones use enthusiasm and energy to convey your message.
- Casual tones set a relaxed tone that puts people at ease.
- Desperate tone is urgent and direct, showing just how important your message is.
- Compassionate tone shows empathy while conveying your message.
- Motivational tone keeps people engaged and inspires their personal as well as professional lives.
- Informative tone of voice enhances knowledge, imparts information, and inspires personal growth.
- Soft tones help form a bond and nurture a relationship. It also helps express empathy and gentleness during difficult conversations. Soft tones make people feel safe, like when talking to a child.
- Humorous tones keep the audience in a positive mood. But you should be aware of keeping your tone cheerful and genuine, not mocking or sarcastic.
- Respectful tones convey your kindness, humility, and truthfulness.
- Monotonous tone could be boring and cause disinterest.
Other common tones used in communication:
- Formal Tone
- Informal Tone
- Factual Tone
- Directive Tone
- Assertive Tone
- Friendly Tone
- Questioning Tone
- Conversational Tone
I could spend ages explaining the proper context for all of these. I don’t have that kind of time, or attention span if I’m being honest.
But I definitely think it’s worth doing your own research. Then you can figure out which suits you and your situations best.
The point is, by using the appropriate tone of voice, we can help ourselves to communicate more effectively without overexplaining.
The Benefits of Understanding Your Point
As someone who has spent years trying to communicate effectively, I can’t stress enough the importance of understanding your point.
It can be all too easy to get caught up in the excitement of sharing your ideas, but if you don’t take the time to truly comprehend what you’re trying to say, your message can easily get lost in the confusion.
You might be surprised by just how much clarity you can achieve by stepping back and really thinking about what it is you’re trying to convey.
Not only will this help you to better connect with your audience, but it will also give you the confidence to express yourself in other areas of your life.
So take some time to reflect on your message and make sure you truly understand your point.
Breaking Free
Overexplaining is a natural behavior for many of us. But, ultimately it can be more detrimental than helpful in our relationships and communication.
It is important to be clear.
However, this clarity can sometimes come from learning how to communicate more effectively without the extra words.
To Sum it up, when we do start to ramble on, it’s not because we enjoy hearing ourselves talk.
It’s because we’re just desperately trying to make a connection and feel like we’ve been heard . – And that’s something we all can relate to.
Understanding this is the first step to breaking free of impulse to overexplain.
It is also important to consider our tone of voice. It can be useful to work on learning how to use the right one for each situation.
Finally, always fully understand the point you are really trying to make. It’s easy to wander off the beaten path when you’re not sure where it is to begin with.
One last tip to keeping your listeners involved-
Sometimes the power lies in letting people fill the silence.
Stifle the urge to keep talking because silence is awkward.
Give them a minute to absorb your amazing explanation, you may be surprised what they say if you let them be the ones to fill the silence instead.
We all have our own stories and personal experiences that contribute to different behaviors and attitudes.
Let’s strive for an empathetic understanding towards one another as we learn how best to navigate these complexities together!
So do feel like you have to overexplain often? Let’s discuss all of this and more in the comments!
See More Recent Posts From SweetDivergents:
- Understanding Autism: A Closer Look at Diagnosis and DSM-5 Criteria
- Understanding Time Blindness + How To Cope As A Neurodivergent Parent
- Navigating Authentic Connections: Neurodivergent Struggles with Inauthenticity in Friendships
- How Your Unique Neurodivergent Perspective Inspires Society
- Parenting as an Autistic Mom: How to Embrace Neurodiversity and Thrive
