Parenting as an autistic mom can be a unique experience. It’s really hard to convey to others what it is really like unless you are living it yourself. Of course there are good days and bad days just like any other family. But it can feel much more…extreme? Like bad days can be REALLY bad, but in contrast good days can feel REALLY good, I think because we appreciate them more.
We notice all of the little milestones, happy moments, quiet joys, that maybe others might not notice.
In some ways being autistic and ADHD myself makes it easier, because I can understand some of their struggles and what it is like having a unique perspective in the world. There are many benefits to sharing this experience with your children, as you can both learn from each other and grow together.
But in other ways it can be extra challenging.
Navigating the world as a neurodivergent individual is already difficult at times. This can be amplified when you are also responsible for the care of neurodivergent children. This is emphasized even more when I have to not only balance all of their unique needs at once, but be aware of my own as well.
How It’s Different
While we often neglect our needs as moms when it comes to caring for our children, when you are autistic some things just won’t be ignored. Doing so can quickly tip the scales of overwhelm to a point we cannot function as we need to.
Which really isn’t good for us or our kids.
Here, I’ve included just a few of the challenges I have faced along the way that others probably struggle with as well. There’s also some strategies I use to help maintain a relatively peaceful home, and the result of some of our success.
Challenges of Parenting as an Autistic Mom:
Sensory challenges:
Many neurodivergent people are sensitive to certain sensory stimuli, such as noise, light, and touch. This can make it difficult to navigate the world and can also lead to extreme overwhelm.
- For some this means meltdowns, or shutdowns, rendering them incapable of functioning.
- For others the overwhelm comes out in frustration, anger, and lashing out inappropriately.
- When parenting, I need to be mindful of my sensory needs so I don’t get too overstimulated.
- You can imagine how this can be a real struggle with how much noise kids can make just being kids. (Read more about overwhelming noise like verbal stimming in children here.) Add on the physical affection we want to share with them, or they want from us almost constantly. Sometimes it can all just be too much.
- In this case, having boundaries, and teaching your kids to create boundaries, can be a really helpful and healthy concept.
- For example, if I am particularly struggling and my kids want to be all over me, I say something like. ” Mommy is not feeling good about being touched right now, but when I am I will let you know”. This sets a healthy boundary for the moment, and doesn’t make them feel like they are doing anything wrong.
Social interactions:
Social interactions can be challenging for autistic people.
We may struggle to understand social cues, make eye contact, or engage in small talk. This can make it difficult to build relationships with other parents and to advocate for our children’s needs.
In my case I am easily overwhelmed in large social situations so I tend to avoid them. I also don’t feel comfortable around people I don’t know, or in situations where expectations are unclear. I also hate phone calls.
It all feels very awkward and uncomfortable.
The idea of calling another kids parents, that I’ve never met, is the equivalent of walking across hot coals blindfolded.
Of course, I would not want my kids to miss out on any social experiences because of my struggles. So there is a few options I will utilize if possible to make it easier:
- #1: My husband. – He is more outgoing socially then I am. So if he is available (i.e. Not at work), he will do the initial reaching out phone call.
- In this case, if you don’t have a significant other, a family member, or even a friend willing to help you out would also do.
- #2: Texting – Thankfully modern technology has been a benefit to those of us that are less socially inclined. If the number I’m given for contact is a cell phone I will often opt to text first if possible. It’s still awkward but not nearly as bad as a phone call. (I don’t know why my brain is like this, but I’ve learned I’m not alone so apologies if this seems odd to you. If you want to understand more, see my previous post here)
- This method is almost always successful these days since most people have a cell phone. To date, no parent has had an issue with me contacting them this way.
- #3: Suck it up. – If all other options are unsuccessful, you’ve just got to bite the bullet and make the call. I refuse to let my struggles affect my kids in a negative way.
- I will wait until I’m in a good mental place, sike myself up, sometimes write down what I want to say first, and make the call. Just remember, you’re doing it for the kids! 🙂
Navigating the educational system:
- The educational system can be challenging for neurodivergent children. They may need accommodations or modifications to their learning environment in order to succeed. As an autistic mom, I have had to advocate for my children’s needs and fight for their right to a quality education.
- The issues with the public school system and any child that doesn’t fit standard mold are to numerous to list here. I will be writing an article on it at some point in the future, but for now, I found this article does a good job of explaining some of the struggles here.
- Be involved– Know what is going on with your child while they are in school.
- Don’t be afraid to speak up if there is an issue!
- Know your rights. – Research and understand your rights as a parent and your Childs as a student of public schools and be prepared to assert them when necessary.
- Don’t be afraid to homeschool. – If your child cannot get their needs met by public schools, don’t be afraid to homeschool if possible.
- More and more parents are opting for this for good reason. I know it seems intimidating at first, but it’s really not as hard as it seems. It’s actually very liberating.
- I know it’s is not a possible option for all. If you are not getting your needs met, and you can’t homeschool, I highly suggest getting your child an education advocate. Look for one in your state. They can help you assert your Childs rights in the school.
This is far from an exhaustive list, but it is a few of the challenges I’ve faced and I’ve felt most would relate to. I will continue to touch on others in future posts.
If you are interested in more about what it’s like raising neurodivergent kids, see my other posts:
Raising Neurodivergent Kids in a Society That Doesn’t Understand, Neurodivergence, My Family, & Being Enough, Challenging the Misconception: Non-verbal ≠Low Comprehension Skill, Embracing the Extraordinary: Navigating the Path of Parenting an Atypical Child
Some General Strategies for Parenting as an Autistic Mom:
- Embrace neurodiversity: One of the most important things that I have done as an autistic mom is to embrace neurodiversity. I have learned to see my children’s differences as strengths, not weaknesses. This has helped me to be more patient and understanding, and it has also helped me to advocate for their needs.
- Encourage children to understand themselves the best they can.
- Knowing their own strengths and weaknesses actually gives them more confidence in navigating the world independently. Their self-esteem is much higher because they know they have value in the world even when other people choose to only focus on their weaknesses. They are less reliant on the view of others when it comes to determining their own worth.
- Also, learning how to accommodate their own needs will help them be more capable of living healthy lives on their own when they are adults.
- Create a sensory-friendly environment: I have created a sensory-friendly environment in my home. Well, several environments to be more specific.
- This means that in some areas or rooms I have minimized sensory distractions. Creating a comfortable and calming place for my children who are sensory avoidant.
- There are other rooms that have been adapted for the kids who are sensory seeking. (Yes, I have both in one house!) In this case, we have a small trampoline, sensory swings, music, fidget toys, climbing areas etc.
- We regrouped who shared bedrooms instead of by age, the sensory avoidant share rooms, and the sensory seekers share rooms. This is a little unconventional, but honestly has been one of the biggest game changers. When they were sharing rooms with siblings closest in age but differing sensory needs, it was a constant battle of the needs. Since the change there is very rarely an issue and they are happy and content almost all the time.
- Use visual supports and clear communication to help children understand expectations and transitions.
- My black and white thinkers particularly appreciate the small white board I stuck on a wall in all the rooms.
- They have a list of daily routines and event times on them. (i.e. in the bathroom there is a morning and night side: brush your teeth, wash your face, etc. Their bedroom has a time for getting up, and going to bed among other things.) This also saves me from having to answer the same questions over and over everyday for those that need the reassurance. (When is dinner? What time do I have to go to bed? etc.)
- Build a supportive network: If you can, I highly suggest building a supportive network of fellow autistic parents.
- It can help to surround yourself with others who have similar experiences and struggles as you do. In my case a prefer a few close friends who fit this bill for me. But I’m not a big people person and I don’t need a lot.
- For those who prefer a community, there are many people out there that are in the same situation. You can build a community of friends near you that you can rely on. If you don’t know where to start in your area, I find looking for local groups online like on Facebook is a great way to make some connections.
- Advocate for neurodivergent families: I am an advocate for neurodivergent families. I believe that all children deserve to have access to a quality education and to be treated with respect. I have spoken out about the challenges that neurodivergent families face and have fought for their rights.
- If you and/or your loved ones are part of the neurodivergent community, than you are advocating not only for your family, but others like it as well.
The Joy of Parenting as an Autistic Mom:
- Seeing my children thrive: One of the greatest triumphs of my parenting journey has been seeing my children thrive.
- They are unique, strong and empowered, and they are making great strides in their lives. I am so proud of them, and I can’t wait to see what they achieve.
- Building a supportive network: I have built a strong network of supportive friends and family. They have been there for me through thick and thin, and they have helped me to navigate the challenges of parenting as an autistic mom. I am so grateful for their support.
- Making a difference in the world: I am passionate about making a difference in the world for neurodivergent children and families. I believe that we can create a world where neurodivergent people are accepted and celebrated.
Parenting as an autistic mom can be a challenging but rewarding experience. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about neurodiversity along the way.
I am grateful for the challenges that I have faced, as they have made me a stronger, more compassionate person, and in some ways, a better mom. I’m also grateful for the triumphs that I have experienced, as they have shown me that anything is possible.
I hope you find this blog post helpful. Thank you for reading!
